Monday, November 9, 2009

confessions of a white girl

There is an issue that has been weighing on me of late, for most of my life really, but this is something I have to get off my chest. Racism. I don't understand it. Now, I don't understand all sorts of bigotry and hatred, but the one on the table today is racism. And racism is as diverse as the victims of it, but it pains me in all its forms.

As I listen to NPR on the drive home or read news story after news story about Fort Hood, I can't but hurt for the tragedy, of course, but I also hurt for the racist implications which are bound to come from this. Religious discrimination aside, and the realities of who Hasan is and his motives aside (because no one really knows yet and that's not the subject right now anyway. I'll let authorities worry about that.), my concern is the impact this will have on those of any Middle Eastern decent.

It is an age-old tale that racism is consistently used as a tool of propaganda to fuel national support. Look at the Japanese concentration camps of the forties. Even look at the north-south racist propaganda of the Civil War. Ask my dad about the plethora of derogatory terms against anyone of Vietnamese decent, or any Asian decent for that matter. It's an important element of the war machine to hate the other side with such passionate vehemence that no one could object. They must despise them.

So we're in a war right now. And I am not going to preach about the war and I know that there are people who educate themselves about this war. However, for most Americans, the average person doesn't know the differences between Muslim nations, let alone ethnic differences and dialects. Over here, whether you come from and Arab nation or anything East of Africa (forgetting of course all of the Muslim African nations), you're just brown. You're a caricature of a whole region. Never mind the incredibly different nuances throughout such a huge region. What matters is that we must hate anyone east right now.

But to get into that I'd have to start quoting Orientalism and I don't have time for that. Nor do you want to read a dissertation. But I do recommend it. It's not only profound, it's timeless and relevant.

But who am I, you ask, to spout such lofty ideals? Who am I to climb on a soapbox? I'm no one, really, just a blogger. Just a white girl who grew up with open eyes, eyes that saw the evils in this world and couldn't accept that. And I hate that white privilege that bestows its understanding and grace upon all those discriminated against. I hate that. If white people aren't taking the power, they (we) assume its theirs (ours) to give. If we aren't the racists, then we still sit on white privilege and claim to understand the evils of racism. Right? Well that's the norm. And I buy that.

But I (and please don't kill me here) can't help that I'm white any more than anyone else can help the pigment in their skin. I've done my best in my life to live with an open mind and not buy into the racism machine. I've seen it first hand. I grew up witnessing the pain of some very close Mexican friends and I knew that it was not good to be white. White was bad. White was the Man. So I prayed every night that I would wake up and be beautiful like my best friend Tawnya. What am I saying? I am saying that I learned something from that. That it is okay to witness another perspective.

So I've just tried to keep on learning, studying the roots of racism, keeping an open mind. I've learned much about racism in its different forms from its colonial roots to slave trades and this is what I think (now, what I think doesn't really matter, but here it is anyway).

What I think is that the new-agey colorblind let's all just get along rainbow kids method doesn't work. And it doesn't work because we're not a colorblind utopian society on mars. We're humans and we have centuries of human history that just can't be ignored. Centuries of conquering and domination. We can't just sweep all that under the rug and pretend it didn't happen. It did.

Also, this argument of it's not me, it was my grandparents or great grandparents, etc. just does not hold up. For some, the kind of violent racism that you read in books is still happening. There are still nooses in Illinois and it's still dangerous to drive while black or fly while brown. It's not the past; it is still today. For others, it was their childhoods. My parents' generation WAS the civil rights generation and that violence is still palpable for many people, like PTSD. It wasn't so long ago. And slavery in America happened just over a hundred years ago. For most nations, that's a minute. America is young and we shouldn't just pretend that our entire childhood and adolescence wasn't spent in dominance and abuse of others.

Instead of erasing the past or the present wrong, instead of stepping blindly into a future built on a rocky past, I say we confront these realities. We delve into them. I don't necessarily buy into nationalism but I do know that if we expect to resolve a national consciousness and heal these deep racist wounds, we have to confront it. I don't care if it's not you, if you're not a racist. And I don't care if your great grandmother helped in the underground railroad. I don't even care if you've never been a victim of racism and can't empathise. Swim in these realities. Read slave narratives. Read current accounts of hate crimes and don't just read once, read three times or until you feel for these victims. Cry for them. Cry for yourself because this is your (our) culture. We need to all face the stark and graphic truths of racism at its worst, the worst of our past and the worst of our present.

And then we can mourn. Truly mourn. We can mourn for the transgressions of our ancestors and for others' ancestors. We can mourn for the travesties enacted against our parents and grandparents and great grandparents and their grandparents. We can mourn the history we deserve but don't have, the one based on heroism and great acts. We can mourn that that history is tainted with the skeletons of hatred and bigotry. We can sob in the streets for that which hateful Americans have robbed us of. We can shed tears for those brutalized and imprisoned and treated like animals.

But then we have to be adults again. We have to pick ourselves back up and wipe away the tears and realize that even though our fathers failed us, we now need to parent ourselves. We are responsible for our future actions. We have to be our own moral compass. No more blaming others and no more hiding behind others' mistakes. We all have to move forward consciously and without naivete, always questioning our actions and motives, actively checking our behavior and teaching our children to exude understanding and coexistence.

That's what I think anyway. But what do I know? I'm just a white girl from Southern California.


Sunday, November 8, 2009

Photo of the Day: Installation Jungle

I took this photo at LACMA and what I love about this installation is that it is ripe with photographic possibilities. I have about 30 shots from this piece and all from different angles. It truly is a streetlamp jungle.

Friday, November 6, 2009

beep beep yeah

Have I mentioned that my car is still in the shop? Still. In. The. Shop. Still. I took it in 2 weeks ago! Want to hear the story? Of course you do. Why do I even ask?

So, I got a call from Tiffany at the body shop (very nice gal) the Wednesday after I took the car in. She said they found more damage and told my insurance (who will remain nameless unless I get my car back soon) and she was waiting on approval in order to move forward. That's fine. Normal. Good so far.

And I think it was Friday morning that Tiffany called me again saying that my insurance adjuster finally called her back. Finally? Turns out they found the extra damage on Monday and had been calling my adjuster every day for a week. Seriously? Oh yes. And I guess my adjuster, let's call her Amy because that's her name, tried to claim that she never got the messages. All 5 of them. Uh huh. Sure. That's believable. Should've just gone with the too busy to call you back excuse. Works every time. Anywayyyy, so at this point Tiffany says that she's spoken with Amy and Amy wants to send a guy out to inspect the extra damage and approve the new estimate before they start any body work.

Fine. No problemo. It sucks that it had been a week thus far, but I can roll with it.

Sooo, Tuesday rolls around and Tiffany (I love Tiffany) calls me again saying that the guy (neither of us knows who this dude is or what his job title is) has yet to come out and my car is just sitting there waiting for my insurance to wave their little magic wand and approve the damn work. At this point, I can no longer be nice (to the insurance). I thank Tiffany and tell her I'm calling Amy to see if I can't get things rolling. I leave Amy a polite yet firm message and didn't hear back at all on Tuesday.

Thursday morning. Magical Thursday morning, I get a call from a guy called Jimmy (the mystery insurance guy) saying he'd approved the estimate and is sending the body shop a check. Thank you jebus finally! FINALLY! I guess I just needed to make that call, but DUDE, I shouldn't have to. My insurance should do its job. They're getting my money. They're paying for my rental. You'd think they'd want to save some money there, right? Lame.

And while I am glad this is finally working out, the fact remains that my car has been sitting, lonely and alone and cold, in the body shop. Just sitting there for 2 damn weeks. Just waiting for the work to get started. I took it in 2 weeks ago and the work just began yesterday! For serious. And of course I don't blame the body shop. They've been nothing but professional and kind. I went through them because I took my car there last year when she was totaled (I'm sure I told you that story) and they were very nice. They were also very comforting and understanding when I needed to grieve the loss of Darla, my very best and most reliable car. Not only did they not laugh, but one gave me a hug while another got me a coffee. They are very nice people. I might be a tad over dramatic and loony tunes, but they are very nice over there. If you live near me and ever need a good body shop, I can recommend a good one.

Needless to say, I am ready to get my car back. Obviously nothing will happen this weekend, but I'm really hoping for early next week.

Arg

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Photo of the Day: New Meaning of Boat Car


I took this shot whilst driving the other day and said out loud, REALLY? What you probably can't see are all the sparkles, the kind you see on boat paint jobs. I have to wonder what makes a person paint their car like a boat. Do you just not have a boat and really want one? Or do all the vehicles in your life get that paint job?

Wanted

I read a blog today about a married woman confessing that she is jealous of her single friends, and while I am able to have some empathy for this woman, my first reaction was oh poor baby (sarcasm font). I mean, give me a break. If you got married young and didn't do the single thing in your twenties, I get that jealousy. And if you are your only married friend and you watch all your single pals having a "blast," I get that too. But, mostly, I'm like, what the hell are you jealous of?

The blind dates? The douchey guys in bars, in coffee shops, everywhere? The pitying stares from your married friends? Breakup after breakup? Being single can suck monkey ass. Now, I am a big advocate for being happy as you are, for finding yourself by yourself and loving the value of your own company. I am the first person to climb up on a soapbox and preach that. And maybe it's because I'm not very happy right now or because my self esteem is having trouble rebounding from my recent douchey rejection, but the whole idea of being jealous of the single life pissed me off. Really pissed me off. That whole, the grass is always greener shit just doesn't fly with me.

Now, if this woman was truly unhappy in her marriage, that is a whole other issue. And I am certainly not endorsing married or coupled life as the ultimate in lifestyle goals. Certainly not. I would never endorse one lifestyle over another. To each her own. Yadda yadda yadda. What I am saying is that being single may have its upsides (for sure), but it can also bite.

Being single (meaning jumping in and out of dates and short-term relationships) was a blast in my early twenties when all of my other friends were single. Not only would we all gang up for the girls nights or shopping days or spa days, but because we were all in the same boat, we could commiserate and share war stories and giggle together over our slutty moments. Some of us had more than others. I'm not naming names. *ahem* But when all your friends become paired off, singlehood loses its novelty.

When you are your only single friend, that third wheel status gets old incredibly fast, even when your friends' significant others are super duper people that go out of their ways to include you. And no offense to the super dupers, but they can't understand how it feels to always watch others in their cute, happy moments with no one to commiserate with. And even when you have awesome gal pals who leave their lovers for some girl time, talk always revolves back to the great guy or watching the phone for the call or text from the great guy or watching the door for the great guy.

Disclaimer: I want to apologize to my friends right now. This isn't about you necessarily and this doesn't mean I don't love you to my toes. But it can be hard to be around my coupled friends when I don't have any single friends. Seeing your incandescence only illuminates that deficiency in my life. Please understand that.

And there is a level of needs here. I have spent a good ten or so adult years getting to know myself by myself and crafting a world which I like very much. But I am over the go out and party thing, the hang out all day at a coffee shop thing. And that is great for a lot of people. Good for you for having fun and living your life how you want. But I did that. I'm over it. I got it out of my system and I'm done. Check. Now I just want to nest and paint and buy furniture and garden and travel on a better budget than hosteling. And even if I'm not in a couple, those are the things I need to do now. And what does that have to do with being in a relationship? I'll get to that.

Some of the comments on this woman's blog pissed me off even more. One woman said something like, well, most of my friends who are single are single for a reason. Don't be jealous of them. When we were marrying all the good guys, they all had issues. They just don't put themselves out there. Well, excuse me lady, but for one, all people have issues. Two, life just doesn't work out like that for all of us. Some of us didn't learn how to pick the good guys or we just had bad luck. And three, fuck you! Some people choose this life. And singlehood may suck sometimes, but we don't have leprosy. Would you like to ship us all off to an island where we can't bother you with our subversive behavior? And just how exactly would you like me to put myself "out there"? Shall I meet guys in bars? Have you seen those guys? Trust me, not the place to meet men. How about hanging around the Home Depot? I hear that is just the place to bag me a man. Or shall I just quit my busy job entirely and post myself on a street corner with a big sign that says, SINGLE AND DESPERATE AS ALL HELL. PLEASE MARRY ME OR JUST CALL ME. WHATEVER. I'LL TAKE ANY ATTENTION YOU'LL GIVE ME BECAUSE BEING SINGLE IS A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH!

Well, fuck that. I'd rather garden and get some good reading in, maybe do a little solo traveling. Because at least I'm making myself happy, even if I get a little lonely sometimes or my self esteem dips after I've been dumped or I have a hard time feeling happy for my friends' happiness. I'm sorry if I don't have perfect emotions all the time. I realize that perky, funny Andy is the norm, so when pissy, caustic Andy comes in, she's hard to take. But you know, both of those women are me. And I've been swimming with the latter for a few weeks now. And I am okay with that, because I'm not ready to let her go yet.

So what am I saying? I don't want to be pitied or fixed up. I also don't always want to be the third wheel (still doesn't mean I want to be fixed up). When I have gal time, I want it to be gal time, because however well meaning you are, I don't need constant reminders of that deficiency in my life. And having all these coupled friends would be a hell of a lot easier with at least one perpetually single friend. At least one person who actually hears me. Ultimately, it would just be nice to have friends in both categories.

I'd love to put out a wanted ad.

Wanted: terminally single friend (can be male, female, gay, bi, trans, whatever) to buy shoes with, take baths, and commiserate. Must not pick up guys, girls or queens during our time together. Must not be in any danger of forming a long-term relationship or getting engaged. Baths optional.




Monday, November 2, 2009

Ode to Jane Austen

Jane,

Fuck you, my dear. Fuck you. Don't get me wrong, Ms. Austen (may you rest in peace), I love you like the sun which caresses the pages of your books while your words enchant me with impossibilities and felicities unrealistic. And while I love you so, I hate you. I despise you to the depths of my soul. This is quite unfair, you protest, or I imagine you do. But, on the contrary, I assure you it is not. My assessment of detestation is quite fair.

My dear Jane, you see, while I am sure a Victorian heart such as yours could not help but write captivating prose such as would ensnare any woman's being so that she becomes enraptured with romantic fantasy, therein lies your folly. For while I don't doubt that the chivalrous nature of your heroes is doubtful inspired of thin air and therefore must have some shreds of truth according to your time and station, at the core of the matter of male characterization and romantic plot, it is all utter bullshit. And this why I hate you, dearest, for screwing women over for nearly two centuries.

Your words are delicious and your prose decadent and at each denouement unearths a man unrealistic and unattainable. I do want to believe that you have known such a man, such a man who will toss propriety to the wind and stake all futures on a moment of inordinate and delirious romance. I want to believe. Yet I have to admit that this man does not exist, in your century nor mine. Never did a man ride to his beloved at dawn with no promise of affection to declare his unabated love and desire. Never has a man borne a sentiment as strong as a bewitching body and soul. Never have I heard such. And never has any woman.

Yet you persist with this storytelling that so enraptures our kind, so enraptures so we all unabashedly desire such men. How dare you coerce us to such disappointment. And that is where I call bullshit. I adore you, Ms. Jane Austen. I would love to wrap my soul in your pages and shape a future built of Darcys and Knightlys. Gladly, in a moment would I enthrall myself with such fantastical and romantic diversion.

Yet such fantasy only ends in disappointment, as I hope you would understand, my dear. I would much rather see men as they are and choose to appreciate them or leave them be. But this expectation of the impossible is simply unacceptable. And I pity the men in your wake as well. For what man of flesh and blood can live up to the ciphers you craft out of words?

So for this, darling, I say fuck you. May you rot in hell and angry women plague you for all time.

With all my love,

your friend

Sunday, November 1, 2009

frights and delights

I know you have been waiting to hear what my costume for Halloween was. I know. And I'll tell you, but I must admit, I have substantially less enthusiasm for this costume now. After the fact. And I'll explain why in a moment. But I shall keep you in suspense no longer. For Halloween, I dressed as myself at 19.
I am the one on the right with the tube top and tiara. I don't have a pic of the whole costume, so you can't see my platform shoes. But more on the tube top in a sec. The beauty to my left is Mo, who dressed as punked-out Rainbow Brite and I must say that she looked smokin'.

So, my costume. Dressing as myself at 19 may not have been my best idea. Not because I didn't look pretty cute, which I am hoping I did. And not because it wasn't a unique idea, which I maintain that it was. But because I didn't anticipate how it would make me feel. And that was like a 29 year old who is just trying to be 19 and it just didn't work.

I was terribly uncomfortable in that damn tube top all night. Partly because I just don't have that young confidence required to wear a tube top, the kind of confidence I had at 19. And partly because at 19, I was a good 20 pounds smaller, simply because I was young. I am usually comfortable in my body and I feel thin most days, but trying to be 19-year-old me comfortable in 29-year-old me's body just didn't feel right. Does that make sense? It's hard to explain. And it's okay that I'm not that small now. I have hips, I have an ass, I don't have boobs. But, whatever the reason, I felt like I had no business being in a tube top. I'll still sacrifice my dignity for bloggy purposes though. Here is the tube top in all its glory:
And here I am when I actually was 19 or maybe even 18 (I'm the one on the right):
The other unanticipated feeling was that it would seem that I needed to feel cute last night. I didn't realize that I needed to be noticed or checked out until I got out, amongst the costumed people and felt pretty much invisible. And I guess, if I am going to analyze myself, that after the rejection of this past month-ish, I just really needed to feel attractive. Now, to be fair to me, a girl in jeans just cannot compete with all the scantily clad girls out there, girls barely 21, just wearing lingerie with different kinds of ears. We even saw full-on ass cheeks. But that's just not me. And never will be. I will never be able to do the slut for Halloween thing because I wouldn't want to.

And compare that with Halloween 1999. I went to a frat party with girlfriends and we were hot tickets. I had to pry the boys off. Which is how it should be, you know? But I am not 19. I'm just not. Side note: Halloween 1999, I took a photo with a guy dressed as a Mormon missionary (because I was the only person there that recognized his costume) and I wish to hell I had a digital scan of that pic to show you but I don't. But, I do have a repeat of repeat of that incident from last night. It was like the time warp:
But there it is: me, already feeling uncomfortable and feeling unattractive to boot. And that just made me feel bad for myself and soon I was making lonely cat lady jokes and acting out an echo down there. Pretty ridiculous, I realize, but that's how I deal when I feel uncomfortable. I make fun of myself. So, last night was a bit of a train wreck, even though my friend's boyfriend, in an act of kindness, pointed out that two barneys checked me out at the end of the night. That was sweet of him. I think that next year, I may have a party. Something low key, amongst people I love, so that we all feel safe and loved and get a kick out of each other's costumes. I like that we're all too old and too dignified for the slut thing.

This blog got long, but I really want to post my Halloween photo awards!

So here we go:

The "scary" award goes to this guy. His costume wasn't scary, but he was. He even took off that pirate belt and used it as a whip.

This guy wins the "classic" award. Fear and Loathing with Hunter S Thompson is always a good choice.

And these girls win the "typical" award, proving that all you need for Halloween are tight dresses (or lingerie) and some kind of ears of horns. Don't forget the sorority girl sit.

This guy wins the "dedication" award. Anyone willing to dress up like a full-on Tin Man without any of the other WOZ characters, is okay by me.

The "super cute" award goes to this gal. She was adorable and was super sweet too.

This girl gets the "rockin" award, simply for completely owning Mr. Roboto and working the room like a pro.

And lastly, these guys get the "enthusiasm" award for bravely dressing as Hooter's waitresses and loved it when I called them sluts. They even started singing a slut chant. Awesome.
Happy Halloween
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...