Public Service Announcement

Baby talk. Women who talk the baby talk to their boyfriends and husbands make me die a little inside. Every time I hear a woman make goo goo sounds to a grown man I want to slap her so hard her botox squirts out. But that scares me that the back splash might hit me and freeze my face. Which is...you know,,,terrifying. The kind of thing that happens in an episode of the Twilight Zone.

"I ca moo ma fae. Is fro-en. Hel me." 

"Well, you shouldn't have struck that alien pincushion. Everyone knows that's dangerous. What were you thinking?"

"I couln stan da ba-ay tal!"

Ladies, why are you making the baby talk? WHY? It's heinous. It is. You should not be talking baby talk with a grown ass man. Why? Because he is a grown ass man and he deserves to be spoken to like a grown ass man. (Is ass man starting to sound funny to anyone else?)

Look, I get the temptation. Maybe you want an infant (fuck, do I know) and your man seems to fill some of that space in your life. But I have news for you: THAT IS WRONG. Wrong. He is not your infant. No. No he is not.

If you really and truly must make the baby talk, get a pet. The more cute and cuddly the better. Might I suggest a hedgehog?

Or a bunny?

Or perhaps a pile of puppies and kittens?

Your boyfriend needs to be spared the baby talk. Trust me. Even if he acts like he likes it, I guarantee you he does not. He is LYING. 

It is no longer acceptable to call him pookie or snookums or cuddlebear. He is NOT a cuddlebear. He is your boyfriend. THIS is a cuddlebear:

No. Wait. No, that's not a cuddlebear either. No that is a very angry real live bear. Who wants to eat you. He's angry because you made the baby talk.

Don't squinch your face up and make googely eyes. And for the love of god don't pinch his fucking cheeks (unless we're talking ass cheeks, then by all means, squeeze away). 


Let's review. 


Baby:

Grown ass fine man:

Baby:

Grown half naked man:

Baby (dressed as a flamingo):

Grown man:

(Okay, that last one was a trick question, but that was to make sure you were paying attention.)

I think we're done here. I think I made my point. Men, you're welcome. Women, consider yourselves warned.