Monday, October 24, 2011

a little bit lost

I feel like I'm losing myself. I'm not sure where I went, but I can't quite find myself again.

I've always said that I met myself during my travels and, if that's true, maybe it becomes easy to lose oneself when you stay stagnant. I haven't really traveled in a long time. I'm not talking about my trip to California, I'm talking about truly traveling, experiencing somewhere new, meeting a new place and tasting its cuisine. I miss sitting in a foreign cafe, drinking some local tea or coffee, listening to live music, and soaking in the pure, raw experience.

But beyond that, I don't really do anything that I love anymore. Not personally anyway. I never write, I hardly ever take photos. I used to wander the streets taking photos of anything I spied, coming home to an impossible amount of film to sift through. I took photos on my vacation, but hardly any before or since. I don't ever write anymore, blogs or essays or poetry.

I don't create with words. Hell, I don't create anything. I suspect my creative muscle is atrophying.

I barely recall the last time I danced.

So if what you do is who you are, who am I? Am I someone new? Someone who can't bring herself to just create something, anything?

Where are the streets to wander and why don't I look for them? Where are the hours of sublime nothing, spent only with earbuds and a camera or a book and a cup of tea? Where are the minutes of delicious inspiration? Why did I let that go and how do I find it again?

When people ask me about myself, especially at work, where folks are all about the numbers and the selling techniques, I say, "I'm a creative." It's what's essential to the core of who and what I am. But can I honestly say that anymore...when I don't actually create?

All I know is it's causing me pervasive sadness, sadness that creeps in when I least expect it, ruining whatever happy moment I'd been enjoying, as if I'm grieving some friend who died too young. I resent myself for letting this loss happen. I feel immense guilt at just watching this girl waste away and doing. absolutely. nothing.

Nevertheless, I just sit here, motionless, somewhere beyond apathetic.

And yet.

And yet.

These thoughts ran through my head tonight over and over, like a long train that just won't end, and, instead of pushing them aside in favor of sweet, sweet sleep, I got up, pulled out my laptop, and wrote.

Duh, you snort, with the disdain of a thirteen year old.

You know I wrote. Obviously. But I haven't done that in a long time, chosen to write instead of whatever else beckoned me. I stopped and I wrote. I laid my thoughts to paper and I created.

That has to be a start.

7 comments mean you love me:

guardling said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I am soooo feeling you on this one! i think it is time for a dance class! think they have something for old overweight people who don't want to take an adult beginner class or one with attitud-y teenagers in it? lol

Yvonne said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

The important thing is that you wrote what you felt and let your emotions do the talking. I think we have all been there at one time or another. I seem to be permanently stuck there myself. The only advice I can give you is to keep writing, creating. Even when you don't want to. The saddest thing there is to me, is to wake up with one day less of a chance to live your dream. Good luck!

alonewithcats said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Just because you're not currently writing doesn't negate the fact that you're a writer. It makes you a tired writer, or a blocked writer, or a busy writer ... too tired or blocked or busy to actually write. It's a noun-adjective thing. Nouns don't change. (Only a writer would understand that.)

Skye said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I hope you find what you lost. I feel the same way- when people ask my hobbies I list creative things but I hardly ever get around to doing them! :(

Jo said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Sometimes we just lose our inspiration for a while. But, yes, you did write, and yes, that is something!

Silver said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

What are the lyrics? When you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice?

Dormancy is a state of nature. Maybe you're cocooning, dwelling inward preparing for brilliance. Or maybe you need to get off your ass and do something. Either way, you are exactly where you're supposed to be.

for now.

Suniverse said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

It's exhausting, sometimes, to be a creative because we think we constantly have to be ON. We don't.

Sometimes a break is necessary on all fronts in order to gather yourself.

Take your time.

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