On Food Allergies

I've never been one for dieting. I like healthy foods for the most part, but I love my decadent foods too. I just strive for some balance, because if I want a juicy bacon burger, I want to have one without worrying that it will be my last meal.

I like to be able to enjoy the utter bliss of flavor without any guilt. Guilt over food is one of the worst traits of Americans, I think.  Food is a glorious experience, like sex or eating. Wait.

But, eating is not all caprice and felicity pour moi.

Have I mentioned my soy allergy? It's the bane of my existence.

It's always been a huge part of my life and I hate that. I truly do. I have always felt like it makes me high maintenance. I have.

Please don't reassure me. It's how I feel.

I don't want to have to ask a server what's in their bread or soup, or whatever. I don't want to have to check every label. I don't want to go over to dinner at a friend's house and ask to check the labels. It makes people feel badly for me. And I hate that. I'd just rather things go smoothly and not bring a shitload of attention on me and my damn allergy.

But it's in damned near everything these days. The world has soy fever and it makes my life a but perilous.

And that sucks monkey ass. I don't like being the center of attention. I don't want everyone catering their meals around me. It makes me crazy. 

I don't think I'd die from it, but who know what would happen if I ate tofu or something, pure soy. When I get a little, like from soy flour or protein in other food, I get sick as all hell. Fever. My skin starts crawling off. And I get sick to my stomach. It's misery and I always carry Benadryl with me just in case. The best way I survive it is dosing up on the pink pills and sleep it off.

And I know it could be worse. I don't have a peanut allergy where just a whiff of peanuts puts someone into anaphylactic  shock. I don't have to carry an epi pen. I'm lucky that way.

I've never had much patience with people who say they have a food allergy but eat the food anyway. I get the food intolerance people. That I understand. But I've always felt that if you have a true allergy, you'd get super sick.

I guess I just have to learn a little more tolerance. I guess there are varying degrees of allergies. Though I'd tell the people who eat those foods anyway that the more attacks you have, the worse they get each time. Just saying.

But when I find myself considering whether or not wheat is an issue for me, I'm super annoyed.

And no, I'm not going to see a doctor yet. And no, you can't talk me into it. I don't have insurance, I haven't been happy with my medical care in the past, and I don't want a bag of pills like my mother thankyouverymuch.

But I thought I'd just test my diet to see if there's anything to this, keep a diet journal, and cut down on my wheat consumption for a bit. See how I feel.

First, beer is out. No big loss there anyway and no girl wants a beer belly.

But if I thought soy was in everything, wheat is in ten million times more. That math might be a bit funky, but I'm prone to hyperbole so shut it.

Breads? Wheat.

Pastas? Wheat.

Soups? Wheat.

And microwavable meals? Forget it. They all have either soy or wheat or both.

So I went to my local Freddies and found myself in the hand dandy gluten free section, put there so the grocery store can rape you of your money with ease and convenience.

Gluten free is expensive as hell.

BUT! I want to try this out and I'll want sandwiches for lunch this week at my new job so I purchased some rice bread (which is nasty as all hell) and some quinoa pasta (which was pretty tasty) and vegetable broth (because everything Campbell's makes has wheat in it for some damned reason). $547 later (I exaggerate), I had enough food to last me a week.

I may die.

BUT! I've made a list of foods I like that don't have wheat:

• Cadbury Eggs
• Beans (no tortilla) (I hate corn tortillas)
• Corn Chips
• Potatoes (trusty potatoes)
• Fruit
• Cheerios! (yay for oats!)
• Veggies
• Oatmeal
• Hummus
• Nuts
• Bloody Marys
• Ice Cream
• Pastrami (but what do I put it on?)
• Cheese (glorious cheese)
• Any number of condiments (but what do I put them on?)
• Rice (but no soy sauce)
• Coconut Water (nectar of life)
• Juice
• MEAT

Conclusion: there are many foods I can eat without wheat, but how the hell will I make yummy sandwiches? Any suggestions?  Where do you non-wheaties get breads and the like? Do I have to learn to bake my own bread from oats?

Shoot. Me. Now.

If anyone gives me advice that includes medical testing, I will punch you in the larynx.