I am hypersensitive sometimes. Other times, I can let things roll off my back. You won't know which times are which.
I don't take criticism well when it's about a personal matter. I always end up feeling attacked and demeaned and sometimes rejected. It's stupid, but don't tell me that. If you must point out a shortcoming, please do it as gently as possible.
I can be a great listener and a good shoulder to cry on. That said, I can also be insensitive when it matter most. I sometimes don't know when to do which.
THAT said, once you're in my circle of those I love, I'll defend you no matter what. I'm fiercely protective of my loved ones.
There is a good chance I'm actually crazy. My mom is batshit, so who knows. It's my biggest fear and when I start acting irrationally, I hate myself so much that I make it worse.
When I feel confident about something or in a situation, though, watch out. I'll kick ass and take names. And then I'll make myself a huge gold star and hang it where everyone can see how awesome I was. Because I need that kind of validation.
I require a lot of sex. When I haven't orgasmed in a while, I get really unpleasant.
I miss therapy. It was the most functional time of my life.
I am happiest and kindest and most reasonable when I have creative outlets. When I have no time to express myself artistically in some way, I become very unpleasant.
I can be antisocial. By this I mean that I can be social up to a point, then I need down time to recharge.
I am more afraid of hurting feelings than being dishonest.
I'd rather make other people happy than myself. But then I often don't give myself permission to be happy enough.
I have a perfection complex. Don't worry, not about you. You can be as imperfect as you'll allow yourself. But I can't allow myself that. I have a hard time accepting when I fall short. Which is often.
I'm brilliant about a lot of things. I have a sharp mind. I excel in many areas and I absorb new knowledge with unparalleled pleasure.
But then sometimes I come close to retardation when put on the spot. I'll have no idea what to say and completely shut down. Like a little child. It's ridiculous. I hate that about myself.
And if someone talks to me like I'm stupid or tells me I'm dumb, I'll be deeply wounded. Because smart is the one thing I need to be.
I'd rather live in pain than take a bunch of pills.
That said, I'm a wuss. I hate being in pain.
I want a baby. I may not be able to have a baby. I also might be a horrible mother. But I want a baby. I promise not to start stealing babies. Promise. I'm not THAT crazy.
I often write blog posts that I never publish because I'm afraid of hurting feelings. They just sit in the queue, collecting dust. It's sad, really.
Being vulnerable is hard for me. If I do let my guard down, please be kind. It's not gone well for me in the past and each time I get hurt, I build the armor up more. Pretty soon, no one will get in. Not even me.
I like the word fuck. A lot.
I hate the phrase, "a lot." Yet I use it improperly all the time. This is why I hate vernacular.
I am a lifelong insomniac. Yet I require lots of sleep to function. This is another thing that makes me feel like a crazy person.
I miss smoking. A lot. But I cannot start again (why the fuck does everyone in Portland smoke?). It's not easy.
I feel like a doormat so much of the time, but when I stand up for what I want, I feel like I'm unreasonable and demanding. Guess I can't win that one.
I hate when I gain weight, but love food too much to really do anything about it. I have the potential to become really huge I tell ya.
Therefore, I really need to start dancing and running again. I guarantee I'll be a nicer person then too.
I hate this blog sometimes. Hate it.
I really need a break from myself.
2 years ago