Monday, September 5, 2011

Truths

I am hypersensitive sometimes. Other times, I can let things roll off my back. You won't know which times are which.

I don't take criticism well when it's about a personal matter. I always end up feeling attacked and demeaned and sometimes rejected. It's stupid, but don't tell me that. If you must point out a shortcoming, please do it as gently as possible.

I can be a great listener and a good shoulder to cry on. That said, I can also be insensitive when it matter most. I sometimes don't know when to do which.

THAT said, once you're in my circle of those I love, I'll defend you no matter what. I'm fiercely protective of my loved ones.

There is a good chance I'm actually crazy. My mom is batshit, so who knows. It's my biggest fear and when I start acting irrationally, I hate myself so much that I make it worse.

When I feel confident about something or in a situation, though, watch out. I'll kick ass and take names. And then I'll make myself a huge gold star and hang it where everyone can see how awesome I was. Because I need that kind of validation. 

I require a lot of sex. When I haven't orgasmed in a while, I get really unpleasant.

I miss therapy. It was the most functional time of my life.

I am happiest and kindest and most reasonable when I have creative outlets. When I have no time to express myself artistically in some way, I become very unpleasant.

I can be antisocial. By this I mean that I can be social up to a point, then I need down time to recharge.

I am more afraid of hurting feelings than being dishonest.

I'd rather make other people happy than myself. But then I often don't give myself permission to be happy enough.

I have a perfection complex. Don't worry, not about you. You can be as imperfect as you'll allow yourself. But I can't allow myself that. I have a hard time accepting when I fall short. Which is often.

I'm brilliant about a lot of things. I have a sharp mind. I excel in many areas and I absorb new knowledge with unparalleled pleasure. 

But then sometimes I come close to retardation when put on the spot. I'll have no idea what to say and completely shut down. Like a little child. It's ridiculous. I hate that about myself.

And if someone talks to me like I'm stupid or tells me I'm dumb, I'll be deeply wounded. Because smart is the one thing I need to be.

I'd rather live in pain than take a bunch of pills.

That said, I'm a wuss. I hate being in pain.

I want a baby. I may not be able to have a baby. I also might be a horrible mother. But I want a baby. I promise not to start stealing babies. Promise. I'm not THAT crazy.

I often write blog posts that I never publish because I'm afraid of hurting feelings. They just sit in the queue, collecting dust. It's sad, really.

Being vulnerable is hard for me. If I do let my guard down, please be kind. It's not gone well for me in the past and each time I get hurt, I build the armor up more. Pretty soon, no one will get in. Not even me.

I like the word fuck. A lot.

I hate the phrase, "a lot." Yet I use it improperly all the time. This is why I hate vernacular.

I am a lifelong insomniac. Yet I require lots of sleep to function. This is another thing that makes me feel like a crazy person.

I miss smoking. A lot. But I cannot start again (why the fuck does everyone in Portland smoke?). It's not easy.

I feel like a doormat so much of the time, but when I stand up for what I want, I feel like I'm unreasonable and demanding. Guess I can't win that one.

I hate when I gain weight, but love food too much to really do anything about it. I have the potential to become really huge I tell ya.

Therefore, I really need to start dancing and running again. I guarantee I'll be a nicer person then too.

I hate this blog sometimes. Hate it.

I really need a break from myself.

9 comments mean you love me:

Cathy Webster (Olliffe) said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

You may hate this blog but the rest of us love it.
Thanks for the truths. Refreshing in their honesty and hey, I feel just the same a lot of the time.

Misfits Vintage said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Were we separated at birth?

I have therapy but no sex and for right now, that's ok.

You rock.

Sarah xxx

Megan (Best of Fates) said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

This post? Is amazing.

Anonymous said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

This is Natalie.

I love you and you're fabulous-- and fabulously brave for posting all of that. <3

Jen said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I love the shit out of you. I really think you might be my better half. Or emotionally identical twin. That's a thing, cuz I said so.

Except without the running. My bewbies are too big for all that jiggling.

Cat Chat With Caren And Cody said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

loved this....A LOT!

Skye said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I identify with some of these things. I hope writing it down is cathartic for you.

Satan said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

i wish you would post those entries, because i'd love to read them! don't worry about pissing people off, if you worry about that your entire life, you'll drive yourself crazy really quickly!
i would know... ^_^

alonewithcats said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I heart your truthiness.

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